Starrrfishh

A perfect Sunday night. (Taken with instagram)

Running around, wrestling on the couch, play fights or real fights, in sickness or in health, good days and bad days. I promise that I will love you for the rest of my life. You’re the one for me. (Taken with instagram)

I love yooouuu!!!! (Taken with instagram)

b-a-m-b-i:

by おき

(via mushroomvision)

I think @fleshdunce should draw me even more pictures so I can cover my binder with them! #highschoolalloveragain #crush #letsgrowoldtogether (Taken with instagram)

Proud owner of my heart. ❤ (Taken with instagram)

Long lines at the gas station. (Taken with instagram)

I’ve been spiralling downward the past couple weeks. When I decided to seriously change my life for the better there was a sudden rush. All the people who have been hosting so much resentment towards me suddenly became so so proud. People from all over my life came to me to tell me how happy they were. But this caused a serious imbalance in the universe. Everything that was bad had turned good. So this must mean the everything that was good must turn bad. In a few short weeks I had lost control over my health, over my house, over my car, and over myself. Everything had just broken down or had became a total mess. I started to drown. The one thing that was going to change my life for the better, it was over my head. So I just broke down. I just cried. I became so blank and lifeless.

But not anymore. I’m here today and ready to stand on my own two feet. I have been so low the past month. I hit rock bottom. But I’m here right now. Still alive, I’m ready to love life again. And today I do. And tomorrow I will too.

I feel like I should clear up my last post and note that she is alive and well. Just so far far away.

After I wrote that I had big sad tears rolling down my eyes. The kind that leave your face sticky all day. I’m just so stressed out. So I packed up my pills, grabbed a water bottle and made the journey out to see her. It’s about 45 minutes to get to the farm and back so I only got fifteen minutes or so to see her. But it meant so much. She curled up into my arms with her sister. we played and snuggled. I snuck them some puppy cookies to let them know that they will always be my special girls. We have five dogs at our house right now. Three belong to my dads boyfriend. I can’t stay there long because I’m very allergic to the greyhounds and I don’t want to have my immune system crash anymore. 

I just saw the girls yesterday because I missed them so much. Maybe that kicked my missing them into hyper drive. But seeing them today gave me a new hope. I’m going to move out of this apartment and into a place that allows dogs. I’m going to get better. and I’m going to finish this horrible semester of school so I can get on with things and start training to be a nurse. I won’t let life pull me under. I’m going to do my best to keep up with all of it. I can do this.

All alone at home. I spent the morning unable to move. Up at six in horrible pain. I hid out in the bathroom it was the only place I felt safe. I finally called my mom 3 hours later. I needed to get to the hospital. Now the pain killers kicked in and I’m on antibiotics.  I napped on the couch where I had uncomfortable dreams. Uncomfortable seems to be my existence lately. Now I’m sitting waiting for water to boil. I miss my baby girl.

I wish that she was here to cuddle up with me. She takes care of me. I miss her following me around the house. I miss her puppy snuggles. I miss her little kisses. I miss knowing that shes okay. Shes my sweet little love. I need her.